it was hard to get out of bed today. that's what i dislike most about depression, i think: the sluggishness. sadness, even inexplicable, crushing sadness, is something that i think can be dealt with, to a degree, since it's just an extension, or maybe it would be better to say a mutation, of a genuine (and even potentially therapeutic) human emotion.
but this tiredness, and the feeling of helplessness, the sick malaise, the tendency of the eyes to close of their own accord - that's the stuff that really chaps my ass.
i've found that on the occasions that i can, in fact, muster the willpower (not the right word) to stand up and get moving, it becomes a little easier, a little better. but the idea of sleeping, shirking my responsibilities, hiding from the world, is so appealing on such a deep level for me when i'm depressed that it's often really, really difficult to make the necessary first step.
this lack of energy and enthusiasm creates the biggest obstacle for the fulfillment of my goals and ideas and dreams. i have a huge, almost demented, lust for life: i want to experience everything i possibly can before i go down into the dust forever, and to do it all with as much gusto as possible. but i'm lacking the energy for so much of it, or to do the basic tasks that allow me to do what i really want: finding a job and holding it down, shopping for groceries, paying bills. brushing my teeth.
there are pills for this, i know there are, but i'm broke and wary and scared and confused as to how you would even go about getting them. i know i could research different medicines and treatments (which i have done) and just generally be an advocate for myself (less successful), but so often i don't have the energy, or the wherewithal, and the thought of going through all the different steps and processes involves puts me into torpor.
a vicious circle, innit?
plus i would feel like a cop-out if i took medicine. i've been raised in a family that subscribes to the bootstraps mentality and, even when presented with the vast body of scientific evidence about the neurochemical and behavioral elements of depression, believe that i should be able to leverage myself out of my "funk" through sheer force of personality. and, of course, to some extent i have internalized that. maybe this is something that therapy might help - to silence the internal voice of the disbelieving father, the disapproving mother.
just had a hard time of it today. it's a little better now. can't wait for the weekend so i can cut loose.
look forward to another long and scholarly article soon soon soon. also, i want to do one on societal effects on the moods and disorders of humans. you'll see what that means before too long.
i close with a list of five things that make me want to go to sleep forever, and five things that make me want to stay awake forever. and when i say forever, i do mean forever.
1. car registration stuff and beauracracy in general
2. bluetooth headsets
4. fluorescent lighting
5. the fact that you have to work a shit job to survive
1. dance parties
2. stuffed cyclops monsters that smell like patchouli
3. driving around on a sunny day, listening to NPR
4. my friends
5. blogging and generally being irresponsible at work